Um. Okay?

Originally posted November 26, 2007

"Hi, Charlotte! I have Bill on the line. He wants you to be Asian, but instead of your Asian character's name, you're going to use 'Grace.'"

This is my first call of the day, so I'm still perky and curious. "Hi, Bill!"

"Hi. Did she tell you I want you to go by 'Grace?'" He's soft-spoken and quiet. He clears his throat a lot, and sounds a little bit nervous. He seems nice, maybe a little shy.

"Yes, she did!" I say, brightly.

"Ok, well, I have this fantasy I wanted to play out with you. Would that be ok?"

"Of course! Anything you want, sweetheart."

He clears his throat again. "Well, you're an Asian girl, and you're very conservative. I've always had a crush on you, but we've only been friends for years."

"Ok, do I know that you have a crush on me?" I ask him.

These kinds of calls, where the guy tells me the fantasy he wants to act out are usually super simple. The guy eats up most of his time telling me his story, and usually, he's so worked up by the end of it, it's only another minute or two before he shoots and hangs up.

"No, I've never told you about my crush," he says, "But, this weekend, I'm in town visiting for the holiday. I'm staying in your spare room and I'm going to make a move. Remember, you're a very conservative girl. You want to wait until you're married until you have sex. So, even though I'm going to keep trying, you're going to keep telling me no, ok?"


I assume we're going to do a rape scene, so I get up and move across the room and away from my door. I don't want my neighbors to hear me fake-crying and saying "no" over and over.

"I'm going to come into your room in the middle of the night," he continues, "and I'm going to get in bed with you. I'm going to try to convince you to sleep with me, but no matter what I say, you're not going to give in. You're a good conservative girl and you wouldn't do anything like that, right? You're not that kind of girl, ok."

"Right, I gotcha." I'm having a hard time hiding my exasperation, I get it, I'm a good Asian girl!

"Good. Let's get started," he says, brusquely, "Ok, so you wake up to feel me sliding into bed with you..."

"Bill! What are you doing?!"

"I just wanted to be close to you, and hold you, Grace..." He says quietly.

"NO! You can't get in my bed! You have your own bed!"

"I know, but I want to share yours."

"I'm not that kind of girl, Bill. You should go back into your room." I'm trying to sound indignant and confused. At least the confusion is genuine.

"You're so beautiful, Grace, and I have had a thing for you for a long time."

"But, we're friends!"

"I know, but I want to make love to you, Grace!"

"Bill, I'm not like that! You know I'm going to wait until I'm married for sex. We're not married, we're only friends!"

"UUUNNNNGGGHHHH! Ok, thank you, Grace." He hangs up.

I just stare at my phone, confused...


"Hi, Charlotte. I have Ned on the phone, he wants 25, sweet and sexy."

"Sarah it is!"

Ned is in India. He has a nice accent, and seems a little nervous. The majority of the guys from India don't have phone sex with me. They just want to talk to me. Of those, a significant number spend most of their time quizzing me to figure out if I'm really who I say I am. It amazes me they'd waste their money in this way, but who am I to judge?

"I'm a 22 year old boy," Ned explains, "I work a lot and I do not have many friends and no girlfriend."

"Well, that's too bad, Ned."

"Yes. Tell me, what do you look like?" he says, suddenly.

I give him the general description, and he tells me that's nice.

"What do you want to do today, Ned?" This is my newest phrase, it's nicer than "can we cut to the goddamn chase already?!"

"I want you to be my friend, Sarah."

"I'll be your friend, Ned. How come you don't have friends in India?"

"I don't know. I went to school and then I work too much. I don't have time and I don't know where to meet nice girls."

I hear many telephones ringing and lots of voices in the background. Ned is calling me from work! I wonder if he's on his lunch break, or if it's common for Indian Customer Service Reps to call phone whores in between clients.

"Are you at work, Ned?" I ask him.

"Have you ever been to India?" He asks me instead of answering my question.

"No, but I'd like to."

"You should. You should come to India to see me, and you can be my friend."

"That would be very nice!"

"Come then. Come to India!"

I realize he means like, tomorrow, and I tell him that I can't come now. He tells me he'll come to America and meet me. I laugh and tell him that would be nice.

"Tell me your phone number," he says this like it's a reasonable request.

"No, Ned. You can call this number and ask for me if you'd like to talk again."

I wonder if any guy has ever gotten a phone whore's real number. How gross would that be?

"You are lying! You do not want to be my friend," he sputters, angrily.

"No, I'm not! I would like to talk to you again and get to know you."

"Then you should give me your telephone number and we can talk like friends talk!" He's demanding and petulant and I'm silently laughing at him.

"Well, you can call the same number you called today and ask to talk to me."

"You will not remember me," he utters, defeated.

"Of course I will remember you, Ned!" I assure him.

I have all your details and a synopsis of our conversation written in my notebook!

"You should find a new job. You should not do this job."

"Why not?" Now I'm irritated. Ned is a pain in my ass. No wonder he doesn't have friends...

"It's not a good job. Is it a good job for you?"

How the fuck is this motherfucker --who called me-- trying to be all righteous?!

"If I didn't do this job, you wouldn't have met me to be your friend," he wants to step it up, I'll step it up! The call's almost over anyhow, I'll get paid.

"Why do you do this job? Do you have family problems or something?"

Oh no he did not.

"Why did you call this number? Do you have family problems or something?"


What a day. And I'm only two calls in.