Tasting Caterpillars

Originally posted August 10, 2007

I've been worried about what to tell my mom before I even had this job.

I settled on telling her I worked in a call center for a bank. I even thought about saying that I was a telepsychic or something, and I'm sure she would've bought it, but my stepdad is a bit savvier. I'm pretty sure he'd trap me into answering some questions that would expose me as a phone slut.

My brother told me I should just tell her.

"It's not that big of a deal."

Yea, easy for him to say, he's not the one giving guys prostate exams over the phone.

"What are you going to do? Make up coworkers and imaginary office drama? That's way too much work."

My brother is right. Lies can snowball quickly, and most importantly: I hate to work. But still, how do I tell my mother I'm a phone sex operator?

Mom called me up after my first day of work to ask how it went. I made up coworkers who were training me. I said they all seemed pretty nice. She went on about how she was proud of me for hanging in there, and she knew I'd find a job soon, and that she's really happy for me. I felt like a huge pile of shit.

Believe it or not, I'm not a good liar. I just knew she could tell something was shady. I felt so bad lying to my mom after all she had done for me while I was unemployed. I hung up nearly in tears. I decided then I was going to tell her. Right then and there. No wait, that may be a little too soon. The very next day, though! Pinky swear!

I spent the next day nervous and jittery; I kept looking at the clock and the closer it got to her getting off of work, the more shakey and clammy I became.

I called her as she was driving home to tell her I had a confession...

"I've been lying to you Mom, and I feel really bad."
"What do you mean? About what?" She's instantly in concerned mother mode.
"About my job. I mean, I have a job, I do work in a call center, but not for a bank."
"Ok...."
"I'm a phone sex operator."

Silence.

"No you're not."
"Yes I am."
"No you're not! You're lying!"
"Nope. I'm telling the truth."

Silence.

Hysterical laughter.

"Oh my god! You are serious! That's hilarious!" She says, totally catching me off guard. I was preparing for a long motherly lecture.
"Really?!"
"Yes! Oh my god! It must have been your calling!"
"What?" I'm still confused that she thinks it's funny, and I'm thoroughly confused by the course of this conversation.
"Remember when you were little, and I got that huge phone bill one month because you'd been calling all those 900 numbers?"
"I do now! Was I calling phone sex lines?"
"Some of them were, yea...this is so funny, I've always wondered about who was on the other end of those calls when I see the commercials. Now I can say I know someone!"
"I can't believe you're not upset!"
"Why would I be upset? It's not like you're out there prostituting yourself or stripping or anything. As long as it doesn't make you feel bad or anything, I think it's great."
"...wow, Mom, thanks."
"Plus, you'll have some great stories for me and Step Dad when you come visit!"

Yea...Thanksgiving will be a real hoot now.