This Wasn't In My Job Description!

Originally posted August 14, 2007

There's already drama. Well, I'm not sure if it's drama so much as unexpected guilt.

I have a caller who's been calling me everyday just to chat. He seems like a very nice man. I was thrown off by the fact that he simply wants to talk to me. As I write this, I find it amazing how I can create coherent fantasies about felching and vomit sex, yet when it comes to casual conversation, I can't quite get it right.

With Phil, I add in some of my own truths. After our first half hour, he called right back. And so it began.

For a while, I've been feeling guilty. This fellow seems to really like me...which is weird to say, because he must think I really like him, which I know is my job, but still...why can't he just like to talk about dirty sex?

Since my story for him is based on truth, some of the things he says to me actually resonate. To further complicate matters, his particular kink parallels my own. The nervous giggle he likes isn't all an act. I feel bad because I've hooked him. Every day, we're playing out this great big lie, and I'm feeding him more and more and he seems to be buying all of it as oblivious as man who just bought stock in Enron.

I feel like I'm toying with this guy's emotions. He thinks Mary Anne is in a troubled marriage, and maybe, if they split up, she'll call him to save her. To do the things to and for her that her abusive alcoholic husband won't.

"I think that you haven't had anyone pay this type of attention to you in a long time. I think that you need attention like this, and you deserve attention like this."

He is infinitely patient and soft spoken. Everything he says is slow and calm and gentle. And he's right. I do need attention, damn it! But not for the reasons he thinks and certainly not from him! But I can't control that base emotional reaction to those things he says...

So, why do I feel like such an asshole? He's a grown ass man. Old enough to be my father. He knows what he's doing. He knows my name isn't Mary Anne, but he says eventually I'll tell him my real name. He also knows he gives his credit card number to the receptionist before she checks to see if I'm available. He's a Platinum Client! I'm sure I'm not the first girl he's been like this with. So why do I feel so fucking guilty?!

"Why not just stop taking his calls?" Dennis asks me.
"Because it's 8 bucks!" I say, laughing in spite of myself.
"It's not like you're leading him on," he says. "For all you know, it's bullshit and this is his fetish."
"I hope so!" I say, never having really considered that.
"I mean, really...falling in love with a phone sex operator?!"
"I know! I'm half proud of myself and half horrified." It's a strange emotional mixture.
"Don't be either. Your nature isn't to milk people for all they're worth, that's why you feel bad. This is the job of a stupid whore who won't think twice if some old geezer gives her everything. Just get over this because it's silly."

I love me some Dennis, telling it like it is. I still needed more advice, though.

"How do I not feel guilty?!" I cry to Daniel, another infinitely patient friend.
" You need to focus on the fact that you are giving this man an outlet. He may not have someone in his life who appreciates getting attention or even listens to him about anything. You are giving him that. He is not interested in you he wants his fantasy woman who is in a bad marriage working as a waitress that he can come on his white horse and save and therefore feel like a hero. Don't feel guilty about giving him hope. Sometimes that's all anyone has or needs to keep going."

Well, since you put it like that! I'm glad I talked to Daniel. I hadn't really seen it that way, obviously. I don't think I'd still be working this job if I didn't have people to talk to about it.

There is so much stress and confusion that I hadn't anticipated. I envisioned a lot of scenarios I might have issues playing out. My first Adult Baby call will be rough. I just never thought I'd feel guilty. Seems I've crossed some line I didn't know I had. I mean, I've known gold diggers personally, and the life never made much sense to me, from either participant's side. Why would you depend on someone to pay your bills when they can leave at any moment for the next dish? I can see how a stripper could take advantage of a man like him, but I can't see how cold hearted you'd have to be to do so.

If he is sincere, sure, I probably could have a sugar daddy but why would anyone want that?! I don't want your bank account, I just want you to bust a nut. My wage is just fine.

Dennis and Daniel are right. I need to separate myself from my characters...And here I thought this job would be easy.