Tasting Caterpillars

Originally posted May 6, 2008

Before we begin, I'd like to offer a suggestion to anyone calling a phone whore. Do not tell her that you're into anything if you're not really into anything. I will ask you multiple times if you're sure you mean anything. Especially if you call on the "No Holds Barred" line and ask for a kinky girl. If you reiterate that yes, you're into anything, I will warn you that I like to do very dirty things. If you tell me again that you're into anything, and I can do whatever I want to you, I will bring my big black friend with his big black cock to play. If that fucks up your fantasy, it's your own damn fault for telling me I could do whatever I wanted to you.

Anyway...

Mindy is chuckling lightly as I answer my phone. "Oh boy, I got a fun one for you tonight!"

She says this gleefully. I love that she gets so excited when I have messed up calls. I need to ask her if she's ever phone whored or if she's always been a receptionist. I bet if she'd been a phone whore she wouldn't giggle so much at some of the requests we get.

I grab my notebook and pencil. I'm tired and distracted. I'm not in the mood to play tonight. I really haven't been at all lately.

"Oh lord. What do you have for me tonight?" I ask warily. I remember when this job was fun and I was all gung-ho about making sure the guys enjoyed themselves with me. It didn't take long for me to be irritated. Of course, it's still nice when I make a man cum over the phone. I still get that sense of pride in a job well done, but sometimes, my heart is not in it.

"I have Jermay for 10 minutes. He wants 19, hot and horny, and motherly."

We laugh. We always laugh when they ask for teenaged and motherly.

"That's not all," Mindy warns me, "He wants you to be pregnant."

"OK, pregnant. Like, how pregnant should I be?" They usually want 7 or 8 months along, for whatever reason.

"Like, ready to pop!" She giggles as she tells me this.

"Ok, 19 and 9 months pregnant," I say as I write in my notebook.

"Not just 9 months pregnant, but you're in labor now!" She laughs heartily. She's so good at saving the best detail for last.

"Oh yay!" I say, unenthusiastically.

"Of course we just happen to have a girl working at this moment who's in labor! It's his lucky day!" She jokes, "Connecting you now!"

Unsurprisingly, Jermay has a thick, very thick, very hick accent. "Hey baby," he says huskily, "How you doin' tonight?"

"I am so tired," I say. Tiredly.

"Oh yea? How come you so tired?" He asks me. Tarred, actually. How come you so tarred?

"I am ready to have this baby out of me!" I exclaim, heavily.

"Oh you are?" His voice instantly takes on that horny tone I love so well, "Is that baby comin'?"

"It is! I've been having regular contractions and everything, I feel like I wanna push!" I say this as though I'm breathless and struggling.

"How can I help you?" He asks quietly.

"You can shove your hands up there and rip this baby outta me, Jermay!"

"Really?"

"Yes, Jermay, I want this baby out!!" I yell. I wonder again if my neighbors think I'm crazy.

"Just breathe, Sarah!" He encourages.

I start in on Lamaze breathing. That really seems to get him going, and he shouts more encouragement.

"That's right, Sarah! You can do it! Breathe baby!"

"It's coming, Jermay!" I shout, trying hard not to laugh.

Is this guy beating off to my Lamaze breathing? He's the only guy in middle school who didn't get grossed out at the birthing videos in health class. I wonder if instead of porn, he has natural childbirth sites bookmarked. I talk about a lot of very disgusting things with my callers, and he's not the first to want a pregnant girl. I don't understand what could possibly be erotic about a woman in labor, but who am I to question?

"Keep going! Push it, Sarah!" He's shouting, too, so I imagine he's having a good time.

"Oh, it's coming, Jermay!" I shout and groan louder. I Lamaze breathe faster and harder. He hangs up halfway through my "pushing," and I can dissolve into laughter.