Tasting Caterpillars

Originally posted September 10, 2007

Whoever said "the freaks come out at night" obviously never worked the morning shift for a phone sex line.

My very first tranny request came at 8am. My second followed shortly thereafter. I can understand a guy wanting to get off quick before they go to work, but why with a tranny? Although, I'm not sure what time would be tranny time...Perhaps 11:11pm. That should be the time when it's OK to start scoping out the transvestites, transsexuals and transgenders. Unless, of course you were a couple. Like, if your girlfriend happens to also be a tranny, you could bone her whenever you want.

Sexuality is confusing.

This morning, I sign in early since the past couple of nights have been slow. I get a request for my tranny character, Mercedes. It's Kevin, the same guy who called up last week, my first tranny love partner! He's already completely wound up, we don't even make small talk. I coo at the fact that he's already turned on. He can barely croak out a hello. I dispense with the foreplay and have at. I wonder if he'll be a regular Friday morning caller.

The guys typically call for 10 minute sessions that early in the morning, and Kevin is no exception. He doesn't speak for the entire call, other than to answer "yes" when I ask if he wants my dick in his ass. The call is just him moaning until we're disconnected. I'm a bit bemused, but it was simple enough, since I already know what he likes to hear.

When Mindy calls up to tell me I have a 30 minute call, I'm surprised, but I take a deep breath and prepare to dive in.

Henry wants a young, white, sexy she-male," she informs me.

"Of course he does." Why else would a dude call a phone sex line early in the morning?

"Good morning!" I greet him brightly.

"Hi, good morning, I'm Henry, and I have a fantasy I'd like to play out with you," he's calm, confident.

"Ok, tell me about it."

"Well, you're an alien and you've kidnapped me and taken me on your ship. Now you're going to turn me gay by cumming in my ass over and over." He explains this all very matter of fact. There's no heavy breathing, no whispering. Some men will tell me, all bashfulness and stammering, that they really like to eat pussy, and others will tell me things like this as though it's perfectly natural.

". . .Ok. So, do I look like an alien? Like am I a different color or anything?"

"Oh, no, you can look like your beautiful self, it's just you're an alien and you're from a totally gay society and you need a new gay companion so you're going to turn me gay. . ."

"By cumming in your ass over and over?"

"Yes."

All righty then. I describe my ship, bright white lights, stainless steel fixtures. He's strapped to a table that elevates his ass at a proper penetrating level. I bring in a stainless steel tray with rods of varying girth. Impatient, he interrupts me.

"No, no. NO! I don't like this," he sounds irritated, like he was explaining for the 15th time how to wash your hair, lather, rinse, THEN repeat! "Just fuck my ass to make me your gay companion."

"OK..."

I go back to describing how I probe his ass, this time with my penis. He's groaning a bit until another alien enters the scene.

"No! No one else, just you!" He's exasperated now, "I'm to be your companion."

OK." I go back to probing his ass, and now I'm annoyed. What's the point in being a she-male alien if I can't play with alien tools? I don't even look like an alien! I hate Henry. He hangs up after 15 minutes. Good! Fuck him and his stupid fantasy.

The rest of my morning is fairly quiet and uneventful. I get several straightforward calls, just a guy in search of a quick nut. I'm counting down the minutes until I can sign off and get the fuck out of my house.

Two minutes before my shift ends, Mindy tells me I have a 30 minute call. Of course I do. I sigh and ask the details.

"Well, it's Claudia, but he's a guy, and he wants 18, blonde, hot and horny."

"OK, well, I'll be Sarah."

"Connecting Sarah to Claudia..." she signs off.

"Hello?" I say in my breathy, smiling 18 year old voice.

"Hi! What's your name? What do you look like?" A man's voice asks me. I expected an affected feminine voice.

"My name is Sarah, I'm 18. I have long blonde hair, and big blue eyes. I have full lips, and I'm a natural 38D. I have a flat tummy, and my belly button is pierced with a dangly diamond pendant. . ."

"Oh, that sounds beautiful," he cuts me off.

"Yea? You like that?" I say with a giggle, "Tell me about you!"

"Well, I'll tell you what I want to talk about today, Sarah," he's still talking to me in a regular man's voice and I wonder if Mindy transferred the wrong guy to me, "I'm Claudia Schiffer and we wake up together in the morning at my beach house. The windows are open and the sheer drapes are blowing in the ocean breeze. We're curled up together on blue satin sheets, and we're in love with each other. You just woke up and you roll over and take me in your arms."

"OK. . . 'mmmm good morning sweetheart!' I say as I brush your hair from your face."

"Oh, good morning, Sarah!" Now he uses a "girlie" voice.

"You look so beautiful when you sleep, Claudia." I murmur quietly. The fact that he tells me about this romantic scenario leads me to he's not just looking for some hot, lesbian action.

"Did you sleep well, honey?" I ask.

"I did! I always sleep well when you're next to me," Claudia-voice answers. It's a terrible fake female voice, similar to Homer Simpson's Marge voice.

"Oh you're so sweet. Then I lean over and kiss you on your forehead."

"Ok, now," there's the man voice again, "you're going to climb on top of me and kiss me all over my face."

"Yes, tiny, soft kisses, on your forehead, on each of your eyelids, on the tip of your nose. Then gently, softly on your lower lip, and I gently suck your lip in my mouth. . ."

"OH! Sarah! Sarah! You make me feel so good!" Claudia-voice yells out.

"I like making you feel good, Claudia, you're so beautiful as you tremble under my fingertips. I softly caress your skin and as I kiss down your neck, I drag my hair across your body."

I describe kissing down her legs to her toes and back up again while Claudia-voice shouts "Oh! Oh Sarah!" When I get to the no-no spot, Claudia-voice shouts louder and I stop talking. I sit quietly snickering while Claudia-voice shouts its way to fake orgasm-ville and I giggle.

"OK, then I pull you back up towards me and you kiss me passionately for a while." Man-voice commands. He makes wet kissing noises. I follow suit, kissing the back of my hand and trying my damndest not to laugh.

"That tennis bracelet I bought you looks so beautiful on you, Sarah," Claudia-voice says suddenly.

"I know! I love it, you're so good to me."

"The diamonds and platinum contrast so nicely against your soft skin."

"I like buying you presents, and I buy you stuff all the time," Man-voice explains. "I'm a very rich woman and I spend lavishly to buy you gifts."

"I know you're very young, Sarah." Claudia-voice interjects suddenly, "but you're a remarkable woman, and already such a good lover. You really know how to make love to a woman, and I like buying you things, taking you shopping on Rodeo Drive and treating you like the princess you are."

"Yes, you do, Claudia, and it makes me very happy." I sigh, "I feel beautiful in the pretty things you buy me."

"You are beautiful, Sarah! I make you happy?"

"You do, Claudia! I've never been so happy with anyone, it's like we were meant to be, and I love you so much."

"Oh, Sarah, I love you too," Claudia-voice makes crying sounds. Apparently, my professing my love touched a nerve because Claudia-voice is louder and more intense suddenly, "I love you so much, and you make me feel so special!"

I can't believe this dude is pretending to cry! So of course I lay it on thick.

"I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, Claudia. You fit so perfectly in my arms, in my life, and I feel like when I'm with you, nothing else matters. You're the first thought on my mind when I wake up, the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. You're amazing."
"Oh, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!" Claudia-voice is actually sobbing now.

"OK." Man-voice interrupts, "Now tell me how I'm yours, tell me I belong to you."

"'Claudia, you're my woman! You belong to me and only me!' I stroke your forehead and gaze into your eyes while I tell you, 'I like looking at this tennis bracelet and knowing I have a part of you with me no matter where I am. You're all mine, Claudia, and I love you so!'"

"Ok, now we're going to make a love cocoon," Man-voice commands.

"A love cocoon?" I ask him, confused.

"Yes, this is where you lay on top of me and we intertwine legs and you pull the covers up tight over our heads and squeeze me as tight as you can." Man-voice explains calmly.

"Ok..." I take over, "I lay on your stomach, and wrap your soft legs around mine. I pull up the sheets and the blankets and wrap them around us. Our little love cocoon, so dark and warm and safe. I squeeze you with my whole body, I'm holding you as tight as I can so you can feel how much I love you, and you'll know I'll never let you go."

"No! Don't ever let me go!" Claudia-voice makes the crying sounds again, "I'm yours, right? Tell me I'm all yours, Sarah!"

"Yes, Claudia, you're all mine, and I'll always love you with all of my heart and soul."

"I like to buy you presents. I know you're a college student and you're concerned about the environment. I buy you a Toyota Prius, it's a hybrid car and I know you'll drive it proudly."

"I will!" A fit of barely contained laughter takes over my brain, and I struggle to come up with something to say, "I'll put your name on my license plate so everyone will know I belong to you, and you belong to me!"

Apparently, that was the right thing because Claudia-voice cries some more. We tell each other how much we love each other and make kissing noises. I coo and Claudia-voice cries "Oh, oh Sarah! Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!" until we are disconnected.

"Holy fucking christ on a stick!"

I call up and sign off before "Claudia" can call me back. Then I change out of my pajamas and practically run from my house. There's only so much madness a woman can take this early in the morning.